Land Beneath my Sneakers

There hasn’t been nearly as much land beneath my tires as I would like lately. My work schedule has changed which has drastically reduced the amount of time I have to ride, even though I’m not working anymore hours. That’s a whole other subject.
Today I decided to go run. I run, a little. Recently, much better than I have in years. I have some knee issues, so I like to run on grass, and the little park down the street has grass around the perimeter that is not very compacted and gives lots of cushion. It’s .62 mile around, so I usually do 5 laps for 3.1 miles, 5K. Today I felt like I needed to push myself harder and do two more laps, but I did three more instead. But I’m getting into too much about the run, and not enough about what happens in my head.
Work is a disaster for me right now. I wasn’t going to bring that up, but there it is. My job is secure, but because of the changes in my schedule, its making me very unhappy. That’s all I plan to say on that.
On my run today, the question on my mind was, “What am I doing wrong?” Not just with work, but with life in general. I do believe in Karma, or in the biblical language “Reaping what you sow” And in general I do think that I get back the good things I put out there. I’ve had too many miracles, great and small not to believe that what I do has an effect of how life treats me. Which brings me back to my question, “What am I doing wrong?”
I know part of that feeling can be a symptom of my depression. I work very hard to manage it, and one of my most effective tools is exercise, especially cycling. But it’s not just the physical exercise I need. If it were I could just go to the gym, it’s also the sense of freedom and self-reliance that I get on the road that helps, as well as experiencing the beauty and wonder of the world. There’s also a very real spiritual component for me as well, as long solo trips give me a lot of time to find solitude.
I know very clearly the many things that are right with my life, that’s the easy part. My health is good, I have enough money to live comfortably, I have someone I love to share a life with, and I have more things to set my hand to than I have hours in the day. I’m blessed, that’s the easy part.
The hard part is all the things I do find wrong with me. I was thinking a lot about them today on my run, and while this list is by no means complete, it does paint a different picture of who I am, one I’ve never talked about, and some of the things wrong I find in me. Some of these are just things in my personality that trouble me. I was being pretty gentle, as I was not feeling very brave today.
I can be very generous with what little money I have, but I’m stingy with my time. I don’t mind making large sacrifices for people I care about, but the tiny daily ones drive me into outright rebellion. I think that I’m a kind person, but my lack of tact and blunt honesty say otherwise. I often speak without considering how what I say, or more importantly how I say it, will affect others. I don’t mean to be rude or hurtful, but there it is again, where my actions don’t match my intentions.
I tend to get upset over the stupidest of things, to the point of anger more than merited by the situation, although I have been making progress on that one. I haven’t made a scene in a while. I do have trouble regulating my emotions.
I tend to be too self-reliant. I was told that, but I’m not sure what that means. I think maybe I don’t give other people the opportunity to help, or be part of something.
I make friends easily, but most of my friendships fail to develop any depth, beyond being a well known acquaintance. I’m jealous of those who seem to have many good friends, even best friends, and I’m grateful when they include me in their groups. I’ve only had a couple of close friends as an adult, and those have not lasted. I’m not very good about reciprocating in friendships, and often I don’t understand when someone wants to be my friend or grow a friendship.
I miss a lot of the social cues, the looks, body language, tone of voice. I miss things in conversations, and i have to play them in my head like recordings to understand the meanings.
I don’t like being in a crowded place with a lot of people talking all at once, so I avoid a lot of social settings, or I will slip away quietly without even saying goodbye. I sometimes can do those sorts of things, but it wears me out, and I will need time alone to recover.
I do really enjoy being with people, but I prefer an activity, like cycling, over hanging around, there’s less pressure. Plus bike folks like to talk about bikes, and cycling, which is my favorite conversation topic. I bore people by talking about what interests me, they nod and act polite, but I sometimes see it in their faces.
Some of these are probably just innate to my personality, but others are faults in my character. My work as I see it, isn’t to haggle over which is which, but to learn to adapt and improve myself. Some things I find strategies to help me do better, while others I still struggle to understand exactly what my part is in the issue.
This still doesn’t go back to my question, “What am I doing wrong?” but I do believe it makes a start, a point of departure which leaves me little choice but to continue to seek out my truth as a person, or turn away in fear back into a life unexamined, and unfulfilled. For now I’ll settle for this little fluff, this picture I drew to put on the fridge, to remind me why I push myself, why I must explore, and why every trip is so important to me.